Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
