This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
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