Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
