I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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