i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize