my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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