I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
