It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
