My first STD was from a foam party
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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