Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
