You smell like stripper and shame
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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