I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
