You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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