Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
