The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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