my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
