____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
