youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
