Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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