She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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