You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Randomize
