I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
