remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
