nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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