i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I deserve this hangover.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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