I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
