This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
