dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i love accidental penises.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
