I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
