Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
