youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
