I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
