Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
