I'm passing your future prison.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
