i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
