We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
