I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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