I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
