I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I did not marry a roomba.
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