I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
