He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize