1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
