It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
