look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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