i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
