I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
