Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
