the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
