I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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