Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
