im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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