Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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