explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My penis needs a shock collar
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
