i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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