Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
