Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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