I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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