Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
