fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
