she was so not down for the gang bang
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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