....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
