So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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