I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize