Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
