he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
